The past 7 days have been some of the darkest of my life. Last Monday, we went for a routine 24-week pregnancy check-up, and I stood and held Lis’ hand as an ultrasound showed that our sweet baby, Angelina Grace, had no heartbeat. Friday morning, I held Lis’ hand as we said “we’ll see you later.”
It’s hard to explain the gravity of those moments.
We knew she was a girl. She had a name. We had booties, and tutus, lots of pink things chosen. We created space for her in our lives, and in a moment, that space felt so cavernously empty.
I have learned quite a bit in all of this.
- I am more in love with my wife than I ever imagined. She is incredible and so full of grace.
- I learned that what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 1 is true – our life is a vapor, here one moment, gone the next.
- I’ve learned to cherish what I have. I am blessed with the two most incredible boys imaginable.
- I’ve been reminded of the beauty of community, as we’ve literally had hundreds of people from around the world reach out to us. We’ve gotten flowers, meals, calls, texts, cards, facebook messages and posts, tweets, and one guy even wrote me in the chat on an iPhone game of Scramble with Friends – all just to let us know that we’re not alone.
- I learned that you don’t have to understand God to trust Him.
- God’s grace is overwhelming. It’s probably why the only word that seems adequate to describe it is amazing.
I don’t know what happens to the pain. I don’t know if it ever goes away, or eventually just dulls. I had hoped to take my little girl on frozen yogurt dates, and to silly princess movies, and to someday dance with her at her wedding.
The beauty of a relationship with God is that I have hope. It’s why death’s sting is only temporary. I hold onto the hope that I will get that dance.
Heaven just got a little closer.